That Time of Year

Yeah, I live on Mt. Olympus most of the time, but when I'm not, I'm usually to be found in NYC. I know I've mentioned it before. New Orleans is crawling with individuals I have no desire to play nice with. Besides, there are enough DHers and formers there to form their own militia. Not a place for me. Astrid likes it. I did like it, roaming around as a semi-free-man when I got my brief reprieve from exile. But NYC is my place now. I have my studio there, I've made connections. It's my city. And while I am not the first DHer (or former) to roam its streets, I do believe I am the first to actually make mention of it.

I spend enormous amounts of time outside. I like walking. I like being able to look in any direction at any time of day and be able to go, just go, and see others and see things I've never seen before, take a new street, go to a new museum, walk through a weekend craft fair stationed in a park. I still have my cell phone in case Astrid needs me, and often I take my son with me. But I have finally discovered freedom.

(Apparently, I only wait weeks to post because that's how often I'm philosophical. Figure that.)
I'm not so sure freedom is something I've been given. It feels too often like I've just been handed off from this person to that one over and over and over again, and finally ended up being transferred to Astrid with whom I am expecting to stay for the duration of my unnatural life. I love her with all my heart, but there is a reason marriage is often depicted as a ball-and-shackle.

No, freedom was never something someone handed to me (with their blessing or not). It's something I've had to make for myself, every step of the way. And I affirm it each day I go off and do something new, something I *want* to do, with every decision I make. Before, I used to think it was about taking responsibility for my own actions, but then I started taking responsibility for everyone else's and I learned that it wasn't about that. It was about being *able.* You know the phrase that Ash stole (Just because you can, etc)? Sometimes you have to, just to know you *can.* I've lived such a powerless life for so long, I'm not about to sit passively and watch everyone else have say over me. Not anymore.

So freedom, in NYC. It's a beautiful thing. The leaves are turning again. With all the time I have on my hands now, sometimes I sit in the park and just watch. And though it is very likely my imagination, sometimes I think I can actually see the leaves turning their fall colours. I keep my notebook and my watercolour pencils on hand just for such occasions. And it's not just here in NYC.

I stopped by my sort-of-squire's place earlier today. His area is pretty rural compared to the city and he directed me to a few places that were worthy of a couple of sketches. He also invited us over to a party at his place tonight, but I don't think I could stomach the other people he's inviting. It's bad enough I have to deal with Astrid's family. I really don't want to deal with his.

Not sure what the deal is with tonight. I'm going as an artist (easy, no need for anything -- just wear what I have that's already paint-stained and clay-caked) and the babe decided he wanted to be a ... get this.... a sculpture (which is why I'm going as an artist). I'm not sure where he got the idea, but probably from my studio and seeing the things I did. Astrid said she was going as Galatea to fit in with the theme of 'sculpture.' I guess that makes me Pygmalion.


~Z

Being Complete

 Many of you are going to say 'Z, this gentle introspection has got to stop -- it's not like you." Well to those of you out there, fuck off. My journal, my thoughts, my goddamn business what I put on here.

So, during my shower today, a nice shower, where the nozzle is above my head and I don't have to bend over -- oh the comforts most of you screw-ups take for granted -- and I am able to relax for a brief moment, let down my guard and just let thoughts come and go while I groom myself and otherwise take care of myself, I came to a brief unoriginal revelation.

I am a Complete Being.

I am Complete. This doesn't mean that I am an island and desire to be left on my own, though often it seems that way. I can take care of myself. I do not need anyone. But this was more than that.

So many people say to someone that they love, "you complete me." I love Astrid, with all my heart. And I love my son, with all my heart. But they do not Complete me. I am who I am. From the moment I came into this miserable world to the moment I leave, if ever, this is all I am. And it doesn't matter who I am, or what I am.

I wasn't even sure why or how I thought this, so I went to the studio to see if I could represent it. And I took clay and made a flat triangle, wondering if it could represent anyone out there in the world, flat and only three sided. And then I made it a square -- still flat, but with a tiny more complexity, and then, deciding that even the flattest personality was a little more three dimensional, I made a pyramid with four faces and the bottom side -- far more representative of a human.

If you progress it, as I did, you'll get a square and then many other shapes with many other faces. True Completeness is a sphere. Ever see twelve-sided dice? It is nearly spherical. And it has more complexity and aspects to it than the earlier forms. It is no wonder that the celestial bodies are spherical.

I see myself as a sphere. I am not polished and not pretty, and as far from the perfection of the shape as possible, but there are so many sides to me that they blend in with the others and become an unending spectrum. And there are the inside parts that are there though hidden and do not get expressed. But they are there, nonetheless.

Everything in me, about me, everything I feel, everything I know, all that I do, and all else that makes up this personage we call 'Zarek' makes me Complete. There isn't anything missing. There isn't anything out there in the world that can make me anymore Me. It's all here.

And it is a very peaceful thought.