Can't Say

So, I can't talk about it, not yet. You'd think that once I found out I was a faux-dark-hunter -- you know, not the real-deal, more than, exempt from, etc etc etc -- I'd be relieved of my obligations to Ash or his dominating huntress. But no, of course not. It's worse than being tied to a post. At least you know what's coming, even if it is a lash from a whip. So, I have officially been separated from Astrid for.... forever. It feels like it. And there's no middle-of-the-night comfort for me. I can't breathe her in. I can't hold her to me. I can't tell myself that everything isn't just a dream. It feels like I've never left the dark-hunter life. Bora Bora was a dream. Astrid in Alaska was a dream. Dark-hunter business never stopped, only suddenly I wasn't alone in frozen wasteland anymore. But I feel alone, now more than ever. Because then, then I had no one, and I knew I had no one, and I didn't think about it. I just survived. But now, I know what it's like to have someone there for me -- a strange frightening relationship that still baffles me -- and being without it makes me feel.... empty, incomplete, worse than having no one. Gods, you , Hephaestus, God of Cripples, help me, heal me. I am so broken.